dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You pole danced in your parka.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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