I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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