is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
