i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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