it was like his penis was on wheels.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
