Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
