I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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