i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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