I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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