she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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