My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
