I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
