I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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