True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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