You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the day after is always just damage control
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
