you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
