well I can't set my house on fire every night
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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