my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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