My sheets look like a crime scene.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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