tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
