2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
