Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
