he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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