Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
