im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
