I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
two words...techno handjob
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
