His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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