I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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