Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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