If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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