Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
