It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
