someone get that fucking seahorse.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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