where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
