In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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