Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
