I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
