there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
