My boss' voice literally gives me gas
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
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They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have fence marks all over my body
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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