Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
