i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
