Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
