Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Randomize
