Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
