Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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