The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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