Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
