Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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