Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My life is pants optional.
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