just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
