fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
