Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
