Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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