Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves