When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?