I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.