"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
