it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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