Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
