I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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