I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
