Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
